Cookeville Needs a Mayor
Who Wears a Top Hat
“Is this too much to ask for?”
The Dream We All Share
Everyone wants to live within a walkable distance to a place like this. A bakery where they know your order. A butcher who saves you the good cuts. A tailor. A bookstore with a cat. A barber who's seen it all. A cafe where you can sit for hours with a single coffee and no one judges you.
A farmer's market every weekend. Church bells echoing through cobblestone streets. Trustworthy neighbours who wave good morning and actually mean it.
And a mayor who wears a top hat.
Not a baseball cap. Not a visor. Not going hatless like some sort of continental anarchist.
A. TOP. HAT.
Our Completely Reasonable Platform
Mandatory Top Hat Tuesdays
All municipal business conducted on Tuesdays shall require formal headwear. Hat height minimum: 6 inches. Monocles encouraged but not required.
Strategic Bakery Placement
No resident shall live more than a 7-minute walk from fresh croissants. This is a fundamental human right we've simply forgotten.
The Church Bell Restoration Act
Install church bells citywide. They will ring hourly. They will ring for weddings. They will ring because bells are good and we deserve them.
The Butcher's Mandate
Every neighborhood shall have a butcher who knows your name, your order, and your grandmother's maiden name. For security purposes.
Compulsory Neighbourly Waves
All residents must wave at neighbours. Failure to wave will result in mandatory participation in the Community Friendliness Seminar.
Walkability or Bust
Cars? In this economy? We're bringing back cobblestones, gas lamps, and that one fellow who lights them every evening.
Farmer's Market Permanence
The farmer's market will operate every weekend, rain or shine. Artisanal cheese vendors will receive tax breaks. Big Cheese won't like this.
One Bookstore Per Block
Each block gets a bookstore with a cat. The cat is non-negotiable. The cat shall be named something dignified like 'Mr. Whiskers' or 'Lord Pamplemousse.'
The Top Hattery
A curated collection of distinguished gentlemen who understood that great achievements require great hats. Let their example inspire our municipal leadership.
Abraham Lincoln
16th President & Hat Icon
1809-1865
Already 6'4", chose to wear an additional 8 inches of hat. Pictured here at Antietam, towering over generals like a well-hatted lighthouse of democracy.
“Stored important documents inside his hat. Modern politicians use briefcases like cowards.”
Sir Topham Hatt
Controller of the Railway
1880-1956
The man who made the trains run on time through sheer force of hat. His engines were useful because he demanded nothing less.
“Never once seen without his top hat. Some say he was born wearing it.”
Rich Uncle Pennybags
Financier & Property Magnate
1852-1936
Built a real estate empire one property at a time. Proof that proper headwear leads to proper fiscal outcomes. Do not pass Go without a hat.
“Never wore a monocle despite what people misremember. The hat was statement enough.”
Bartholomew Richard Fitzgerald-Smythe
The Legume Baron
1916-Present
Rose from humble origins to become the most distinguished figure in American snack history. Proof that even the nuttiest among us can achieve greatness.
“His monocle, cane, and top hat ensemble inspired generations. Looking good is half the battle.”
The Inner Circle
Guardians of the Groundhog
1887-Present
The distinguished gentlemen of Punxsutawney who commune with Phil each February. Their top hats are not merely ceremonial—they are required by municipal code.
“If the groundhog sees his shadow, six more weeks of looking absolutely magnificent.”
Harpo Marx
“Show me a great leader, and I'll show you a man who knew how to wear a hat.”
— This Website, Just Now
But Why a Top Hat?
Studies we definitely did not fabricate indicate that mayors who wear top hats are 47% more trustworthy and make 62% better decisions regarding zoning ordinances and municipal parking.
When was the last time you witnessed a mayor in a top hat make a poor decision? Precisely. You cannot recall one. Because there are none.
The top hat is not merely headwear. It is a commitment to excellence, to tradition, and to looking absolutely magnificent whilst cutting ribbons at the new library.
Testimonials from Concerned Citizens
I've never seen our current mayor in a top hat. Not once. This keeps me up at night.
Margaret T.
Concerned Resident
My grandfather walked 15 miles to school uphill both ways, but at least his mayor wore a top hat.
Earl W.
Nostalgia Enthusiast
I moved here for the mountains. I'm staying for the hypothetical top hat mayor.
Jennifer K.
Recent Transplant
The absence of a top-hatted mayor is a market failure that can only be corrected through civic action.
Dr. Harrison P.
Economist (Probably)
Official Mayoral Headwear Requirements
- ✓Hat must be a minimum of 6 inches tall (standard) or 8 inches (formal occasions, ribbon cuttings, state funerals)
- ✓Acceptable colours: Black, midnight black, obsidian, coal, raven, “the void,” or “really quite dark grey if one squints”
- ✓Must be tipped politely at constituents no fewer than 12 times per public appearance
- ✓Hat may contain a small rabbit for emergencies (optional but strongly encouraged)
- ✓A silk hatband is required; grosgrain is acceptable for informal Tuesday council meetings
- ✓Under no circumstances shall the hat be replaced with a fedora. We have standards.
Join the Movement
Together, we can make Cookeville the walkable, bakery-filled, top-hat-governed utopia we deserve.
The Gentleman's Pledge
“I solemnly swear to support only mayoral candidates who understand that proper headwear is the foundation of good governance, strong communities, and a civilised society.”
By clicking this button you agree to nothing legally binding but everything morally imperative.